multilingual

 My friend Beth asked me the other day: ‘do you think in English as we speak?’ And I didn’t quite know what to say. Yes, I do. But at the same time: no, I don’t. It’s just… complicated.

How do you explain this buzzing in your mind? That thoughts in different languages come to you at the same time? How do you explain the feeling of being bilingual or multilingual? 

The simplest way I can put it is this: your mother tongue is like your family, while all the “new” and ”foreign” languages are like your friends (I put “new” and “foreign” in quotation mark because after some time they are neither new nor foreign, they become as natural to you as your native language, but for the purpose of this piece we need to distinguish them somehow from the mother tongue). The mother tongue you didn't choose, just like you didn't choose your family. You were born with it. You’re a part of it and it is a part of you. It will always be, no matter what. Sometimes you disagree with it, sometimes you feel like you have enough of it, it frustrates you and annoys you, but at the end of the day, you still love it. And it will always be your safe haven. 

While the languages you learned later on in your life are like your friends. You chose them yourself. Those particular languages, just like you chose those particular people. Of course, sometimes what brought you together was a coincidence. But there must’ve been a reason you sticked to them. It doesn’t mean they are perfect, they’re not. But you forgive them their imperfections and love them for who (or what) they are. You feel comfortable with them, you don’t have to pretend someone you’re not. You don’t have to live up to any expectations like you have to with your family, because they accept you as imperfect as you are. Because they understand you’re never gonna be perfect and they accept it. 

I feel the same way about languages. In some ways I feel more comfortable in Polish and in some ways I feel more comfortable in English. I obviously know Polish better, just like you just know your family, because you’ve known them longer than anyone else. But with English, there are just less expectations. I can be as imperfect as I am, because I will just never be as good at it as a native speaker and I’ve accepted it a long time ago. However, I cannot write in Polish, because I instantly start coming up with figures of speech too complicated to even understand. I try to make my language flourish, while all I achieve is apoplectic mess. With English I am more straightforward, I just get to the point. Are my words more primitive than they could’ve been in Polish? Probably. Is it poorer, both grammatically and stylistically than my Polish? Most definitely. Yet, I still choose English. 

Different languages have different strictures. And some things just sound better in certain languages. Do you ever have ideas, that come to your head when you least expect them? I do. And they almost always come in English. Because writing is my main mean of expression, what comes to my mind are not images or scenes, but words. Frases. Expressions. And words in English are just more… catchy.

I remember truly falling in love with this language when I was a teenager. I was amazed by how simple, yet complex it is. How one word can be a noun and a verb at the same time, how you can create layers and layers of meaning behind simple words. I remember trying to translate lyrics from English to Polish and I remember how impossible it was. I could understand exactly what words in English meant, but there were no words in Polish to put this meaning into. I think that was the first time in my life I realised the burden that comes with being bilingual: there will always be something lost in translation. 

That was I guess also the time when my love for written word began. I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do in life, the only thing I knew was that as long as it included writing, I would be happy. But the problem is that writing is inextricably linked to language. And there the question arose: which language?

I am (and always will be) incomparably better in Polish then I ever will be in English. That is a given. Yet, I still choose to write in English. For me it’s like… long distance relationship. It is difficult. Challenging. Frustrating, most of the times. And the realisation of the distance breaks your heart every time you think about it. But at the same time… you are with that said person, because you chose that person. Because there is no one else better for you in the whole entire world. Would it be easier to date someone who lives next door, whom you’ve known your entire life? Probably. But it’s not what you want, it’s not what your heart desires. Same thing with the language: realising that I will always be a few steps behind native English speakers breaks my heart. I could just write in Polish, it would be so much easier. But I don’t want to. It’s not what feels true to me. It’s not even what feels natural. I write in English, because I chose it. And the words that are spilling out of me are and always will be in English. As imperfect as they are.

Also, the part of me was formed in English. We are surrounded by pop culture: TV shows, music, movies, tumblr, YouTube… The majority of all of this is in English. I grew up watching shows and reading blogs in English, listening to music with English lyrics. And then I was grown up enough to start my adventures. And then I met people. From all around the world. And the conversations I’ve had with those people has shaped me just as much as my childhood in my hometown. I remember words that touched my soul, long hours spent on talking and exchanging views and ideas. Some of those conversations happened in Polish, some of them happened in English. I cannot deny that a huge part of me was formed in my mother tongue, but at the same time I cannot deny that there is a part of my heart that beats in English.

And then, as if two languages at the same time weren’t enough of a hassle, I decided to learn more.

Most of the languages I’ve ever learned, I only know a little of. But in one of them, I am becoming more and more fluent. Especially now, that I live in a country where it is spoken. 

Two years ago I decided to study Portuguese Language, Literature and Culture. Three weeks ago I moved to Portugal. Everyday I am becoming less and less bilingual and more and more multilingual, as my Portuguese not only gets better, but also starts to infiltrate my thoughts more and more. 

The main problem with being multilingual is juggling all the languages. The other day, in the evening, I was very tired after the whole day of classes. All of them were in Portuguese and it still costs me quite a lot of effort to understand everything, so I had to be 100% focused for long hours. And after that I went for a coffee with an English speaking friend. And I just couldn’t handle ordering coffee in Portuguese and talking to my friend in English at the same time, I ended up talking to her in Portuguese and to the waitress in English and I just needed to take a deep breath and start over. 

This is what happens. The languages get mixed up. And while you’re talking, you can kind of control them (maybe apart from those cases when you’re extremely tired, I guess). But in your head, they just flow. It’s not like I think in Polish. It’s not like I think in any other language. I think in all of them.

My to do lists are written in a mixture of Polish and English that only I can understand. Because that’s how my brain works – random thoughts pop up in random languages. And when I just write them down, without editing them, like I do with to do lists, what comes out are things like:

• clean the room
• TPC: Literatura Brasileira (Portuguese; homework: Brazilian Literature)
• zapłacić rachunek za Internet (Polish; pay the Internet bill)

Sometimes majority of things I write would be in English, sometimes in Polish. Here and there, mostly for school related things, I would also write in Portuguese. Because my main creative outlet and just generally way of expressing myself is writing, whenever something happens, something I want to share with the world, I instantly think of words I could put it into. And sometimes those words form themselves in English, sometimes they form themselves in Polish. Lately, they also sometimes come to me in Portuguese (that’s the newest addition to my operating system and it still has many bugs, but I’m working on it).

The problem is that sometimes I think of something in Polish, but I want to address it to my English speaking friends, or the other way around. And then I need to translate. And as we already established, there will always be something lost in translation.

I feel like there are different versions of me, one in every language I speak. And there is something lost in translation between them as well. I am not the same person in English as I am in Polish. And I know it works exactly the same for other bilingual/multilingual people I know. That’s why I learn languages. To get to know people. To really get to know them, all versions of them.

Being multilingual makes your soul and mind richer. Because you start thinking outside of the box of your own language, but also because you have a chance to get to know people better, all versions of them. 

Being multilingual makes you feel lonely sometimes. Because some people around you just don’t understand what it feels like to have that buzz inside your head. But also because even though you know their languages, they don’t know all of yours. It’s difficult to feel fully understood.

Being multilingual is challenging, it makes you constantly question your skills as basic as communication, it makes you constantly improve, it never allows you to feel too comfortable, it forces you to constantly grow.

Being multilingual is often very confusing. 

And it is definitely not easy. But then, is anything worth having ever easy?