outsider

 I’ve been here, in Portugal, for a month now. It’s quite a lot and it’s not a lot at all at the same time. It may seem like enough to get used to the new place and its people. It may be enough for someone, probably. It’s not been enough for me, though. I’m still a bit of an outsider here. And it actually is a good thing. 

I remember being a kid and having very conflicted feelings about things like starting new school, picking up new activity or going on camps. On one hand I was very excited about new situations, on the other though I knew it would be difficult for me to make friends there. And it usually was. 

Some kids just naturally instantly became friends with everyone. I never had that skill. So after the first few hours everyone seemed to have friends already, everyone was in some group, everyone knew someone. Everyone except me. So what I would go was just pick the people that seemed nice and try to become friends with them. And by the latter I mean try to make them like me. I wanted them so badly to like me and I was ready to change my clothes or my behaviour, I was ready to step out of my comfort zone to seem cooler, I was ready to speak and laugh louder in order to be seen by them. In short – I was ready to become someone I’m not. And oh my, was I desperate.

There were two major problems with my thinking. First of all, people can sense both desperation and pretending someone you’re not. And no one wants desperate, fake people as their friends. But what is even more important, I usually picked the wrong people.

Because really, what can you tell about someone just judging by their appearance and maybe a small talk? Not much. So I was trying to seem cool in eyes of people, with whom I had very little to zero in common. No wonder they didn’t like me. 

Things changed in high school. In the beginning of high school I still had this attitude of wanting to be liked and I would get extremely sad and down if I wasn’t (and at the beginning, I wasn’t). It has changed at some point throughout high school, when I became good friends with my today best friend. We were roommates back then (because I went to high school away from home), so we had to spend some time together whether we wanted it or not. With time, we went from having to tolerate one another to being best friends. I never had such close friend before that. Sure, I had friends, but it was different. Until that point I saw friendship as a constant battle, where you had to compete for the position in the group. I saw it as a constant need to prove your worth and defend your right to be accepted. So until that point, I never had a true, understanding group of friends, who would accept me unconditionally and support whenever I needed it. That is probably why I was so desperate to find new friends.

But at some point throughout high school I became very good friends with both of my roommates and I just let go of all the desperate attempts to get people to like me. I had friends, I didn't need any new ones. Sure, if I made new friends, it would be great. But it was not gonna be the end of the world if I didn’t.

And that was when my perspective has changed. I was no more like a puppy, who was constantly around other people, begging for their approval and affection. I started enjoying being an outsider, because it gave me a chance to look at everything from certain distance. I became an observer.

First thing I started noticing was that there were so many people who were just like me, acting ridiculously, desperately wanting everyone else to like them. I saw my old behaviour in other people. I could sense their desperation now. 

But I also started noticing other people. Those I didn't really think of approaching before. I started noticing people who maybe weren’t so popular, but had something interesting about them. I saw the books they were reading, that were books I liked as well and the sticker of their favourite band on their notebooks, the band that I happened to like as well.

I started noticing things about people. What they say. How they say it. How they behave. When they become nervous. I was listening to what they say in class. I was observing from the distance. And I wasn’t desperate anymore. After I stopped begging for attention, I suddenly started receiving it. In fact, I ended up meeting amazing people in high school and I have nothing but awesome memories from that time in my life. 

But the true wonders started happening when I went to University. At that point in my life I already had an established group of friends. So I was definitely not desperate anymore to meet new ones. So I wasn’t throwing myself into social events anymore, I wasn't talking and laughing louder than I normally do, I wasn't trying to “sell” the best version of myself to the people around me. I simply was there, only speaking when I had something to say, quietly observing. After first few days most people created groups and cliques. And I was an outsider. And I absolutely loved it.

From there, I could've seen everyone crystal clear. Who was faking, who wasn’t. Who had something interesting to say and who was just making noise. I could've told how most people were hanging out with people they didn't really get along with well, they just wanted to hang out with SOMEONE. Time told that I was mostly right, as eventually very little people remained friends with people they initially hung out with. And I? I think it’s safe to say that I get along well with pretty much everyone on my year, even though I am relatively close with just a few people. Something magical happened – I was liked. By pretty much everyone. What my teenage self dreamed about, came true. But it didn’t feel like my dreams coming true anymore. It just felt… normal. 

And today? Today I am once again in a different place, different school, surrounded by different people. I am most definitely not alone, I do have friends here. But I do feel like an outsider most of the time anyway. Even though I do have people in Porto that I can spend time with, I still feel like an outsider during my classes. There is a cultural barrier, there is a language barrier and then I guess there is just that simple barrier of me being… well, an outsider. Most people in my classes new each other before I came here. They were a group. And I am new. 

So I just sit quietly in the corner. Does it feel bad sometimes, to feel excluded? Yes, it does. But I’m just making the most of it at the moment. I am definitely not stressing out about it. I have my best friends, and even though they are physically in different countries (continents even!) from me right now, I know I still have them. And even here, in Porto, outside of classes I have friends I can grab a coffee or a beer or seven beers with and talk about daily life’s frustrations, but highlights as well. So I’m neither alone nor lonely. 

I am still a bit of an outsider though. And it’s a good thing. 

(you really do see more from the distance)